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Rasa macam lama menulis di sini. Ini kira first time aku menulis waktu siang, matahari tegak atas kepala. Sambil tunggu start kelas Deutsch, aku nak kongsikan apa yang dah berlaku kat aku sepanjang minggu lepas.

I was having a pretty bad week the last week.

Sepatutnya minggu lepas dan minggu ni dah masuk study week, tapi aku tak dapat study. Rasa serabut sangat. Something happened and I didn't get out from my room for a week and just drink for a whole week. Kalau nasib baik, aku minta adik punya makanan.

Puncak kecelaruan emosi ialah pada malam jumaat tu. Lepas handling kelas Sains Spm online dengan member.

Haah, member datangkan memori aku berkenaan 'dia'. :)))

Aku tak boleh nak salahkan dia. Tapi, entah--

Member aku pun tahu yang it will hurt me.

And I can't sleep the whole night. Welp, i actually didnt sleep for the whole week last week, hmm?

Aku susah betul nak lepaskan orang yang aku sayang, haha. Aku pun tak tahu kenapa Allah izinkan dia untuk masuk dalam hidup aku sedangkan Dia tahu yang aku akan jadi macam ni. Takdir Dia, penuh rahsia. Nak aku belajar sendiri. Penat, ye penat.

Yet I still miss ihn and it hurts me seeing him with another woman. Dengan serabutnya, dengan missing ihn nya. Right after I got the message about ihn with another woman, I went out from my house and strolling around neighbourhood at 3:00am alone. Crying while walking thinking why am I like that.

Tak cukup jalan-jalan.. Macam biasa bila sedih, nanti ada those tragic memories would come by themselves making me suicidal and slowly lost my conciousness that night.

I couldn't stand my s*****al  as I almost swallow all pils in the refi. Itu yang sampai perlu ws semua orang hampir jam 4. Aku nak bantuan.. Yeah I know I should do something. But in unconciousness state of me-- I can't think anything but to stop everything by not living anymore, please.

I'm so glad as my twin hadn't aslept yet. He sent her to save my live. Thanks, Ya Rabb.

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I'm still in my healing process. —from several heartbreaks. And in my healing process, I have something to share about what I've learnt so far.

I was overlooking my definition of happiness. Always.

Lepas kenal dengan housemate baru, then baru aku sedar semua ni..

Yang aku terlalu tenggelamkan diri dalam dunia maya—di mana sesiapa sahaja boleh menjadi sesiapa sahaja kecuali diri sendiri.

Yes, I want him. But did he want me? No.

Someone said this to me,

"If a man likes you, you will know it. It he doesn't like you, you will confuse." 

That's it. 

Despite of me being silly because I never fell for someone, I feel relief because now I've found many answers I need.

Allah send me great people as I enter this college to teach me what is life was about and what answers I've been looking for.

Perlahan-lahan mata aku, Allah buka untuk lihat lagi sekali dunia—untuk lahir semula ke dunia. Ain't it beautiful?

Banyak peluang Allah bagi, kita je yang lupa bersyukur dengan nikmat.

And that's what I said I should have stopped wondering around social media to make someone ungenuine to be my friend. 

And of course it's my fault. To let myself drown in my own fantasy, lol.

Masuk ni dah dalam 3 kali sui***al sebab dia je. Why can't I see he's definitely not for me? 

Wow, at this point I really think I am stupid. Ingatkan masa test Mech. tadi dah cukup terasa rasa kurang cerdiknya.

Allahu musta'ān. Moga Allah kurniakan rasa sabar, syukur, dan kebaikan kepada kita semua. Allāhumma āmīn.

Teruskan BacaanGlück

Buat dia pembaca rahsia

Bismillahirahmanirrahim..

Em.. Aku tak tahu kenapa dari pagi tadi terdetik nak tulis untuk kau. Nak tulis dalam channel, tapi malu lak ramai orang baca. Eh eh🌝

Untuk kau yang di sana, yang menjadi harapan keluarga, yang meredah benua, yang mempersiapkan diri untuk berkhidmat untuk agama, yang-- membuat aku berasa selamat untuk menerus bicara, dan masih gagah untuk berjalan di atas muka bumi ini.

Aku tak tahu sejauh mana kau dah kenali aku. Tapi setakat yang aku tahu, banyak yang kau tahu betapa kuatnya aku.

Sedang aku juga tak begitu kenali kamu. Kecewa sikit. Tapi sungguh aku berusaha untuk kenali kau andai diberi peluang, hmm?

Ok, dah. Main content!

Kau! Ye, kaulah. Siapa lagi.

Elok-elok study kat sana, tau? Kalau harini gagal, kita masih ada esok untuk perbaiki silap kita. Tak apa, jangan risau sangat dengan perkara yang dah berlalu, okay?

Dia macam gini, tau. Ada benda.. Yang memang di luar kawalan kita. Tapi, kau ingat tak.. Kita kan ada Allah! Yang Maha Memberi, Yang Maha Mengampunkan, Yang Maha berkehendak atas sesuatu.

Sebenarnya kan.. Aku tak tahu apa yang exactly you feel right now 👉🏻👈🏻.

But reading what you had written.. Em..

Kau dah pergi jauh dah ni. Walaupun pilihan kau sekarang bukan pilihan yang keluarga kau mahukan, aku betul-betul harap kau dapat bertahan lagi. Kan ke kau minat pilihan ni? Sikit je lagi. Kita sama-sama kuat, tau? Kalau nak tangan, aku boleh hulur. Tapi bangun sendiri lah sebab tangan tak berlapik. Hshdndjsh. 

Ok, Fik nak seriuslah ni.

Em.. Tak banyak aku boleh cakap melainkan apa yang aku tulis ni je. Sebab nak approach direct aku segan, (JshjShsjsv) aku harap kau bacalah ni.

Setiap hari, merupakan hari kita yang baru. Kalau gagal semalam, kita usaha sama-sama untuk perbaiki diri pada setiap detik yang mendatang, tau? Sebab setiap saat kita hidup ini, merupakan saat yang baru dan tak akan berulang lagi. Sedangkan ikan di sungai itupun, air yang mengalir bukanlah air yang sama. Sebab tu segar belaka. Tiba-tiba teringat ikan Patin. Temerloh. Dapnye ikan patin masak gulai tempoyak🤤.

Kalau penat, rehatlah. Mengadu dekat orang yang kau percaya — contohnya aku. Eh. Hshshhs.

Beban yang tak tertanggung dan tak mampu difahami manusia lainnya, mengadulah pada Dia. 

Kenapa aku asyik risau eh dengan kesihatan kau di sana? Entahlah. Banyak sangat berita yang cerita fasal pandemik Covid19 ni di serata dunia. Semoga Allah jaga dan semoga kau jaga diri. Jangan mengada-ngada nak jalan-jalan keluar tanpa kepentingan masa lockdown ni. Faham tak?😤

Ouh last.

Saya dah dapat jadual exam 🤪

Haritu risau sebab exam. Lepastu tengok jadual exam, tak tahulah nak kurang risau ke nak bertambah risau.

Kurang risau sebab dah nampak apa subjek apa hari apa. Tambah risau sebab tengok gap--

Em.. Apa-apa pun, fi amanillah, fi hifzillah.

Doa aku ada dengan kau. In sya Allah

Teruskan BacaanBuat dia pembaca rahsia

Everything went wrong.

 Salam alayk, there.

I supposed to write a story about 'The Last Gift' tonight, heh. But you know what? Not everything would turn out as we wanna them to be like.

I happened to have quite a long, pretty depressive, non-suicidal, mourning, slow, and disappointing week. Had a Chemistry test this week and I didn't do well. I tried my best to kick every disturbance out of life, again.

Recently, I keep asking myself;

Am I do well? Am I supposed to be here? Am I loved? Am I good enough? Or I'm just burdensome to people around me? Why is nothing going right when I am around? Why is everything I do always go wrong?

I'm hesitating my worth every day; as if I should not exist or maybe is existing in the wrong place (?).

'Dah November dah.'-Dibs, 2020.

I feel like demolishing myself in this world, every single day.

To all people I love, I had shown my love in the wrong way and they turned up hating me - even in my family. I'm disappointed with myself. Why I can't make anyone smile? I keep asking myself every day. Gosh, please.

Not even once in my life, I ever made my mom or dad smile. It's hurting when I can't make them smile. Instead, they always disappointed with me. How disappointing is my life? 

The voice nor the crucial image to end my life ever came anymore since I admitted into the university. However, the voice saying I am not good enough keeps coming again these past few days. I really hope I won't be facing them again.

I just got into a fight with my sister again this morning, lol. Umur 23 pun nak gaduh lagi, heh. And as usual, I am on the bad side. I made her cried when all tried to do is telling what's my problem for cannot do her order in a short time. I hope I could just go far from her so that no one would find me. Isn't that easy? No one would live in sorrow anymore.

I'm trying to fulfill meine Elterns dream and abandoned my own dream. I push everything away most of the time and I get abandoned, lol? As if I won't be sad and everything was my fault.

Oh, yes? I'm the problem. I am nothing. I should not keep living, I guess? Nothing should be too much for someone. Everyone is tested with different tests. I wonder how strong I should be to bear this pain alone, lol?

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"Ha, awak suka kan tengok adik awak sakit?!" Dia menyambung melibas rotan di kaki kanak-kanak perempuan berusia 7 tahun sambil menjengil matanya kepada anak perempuan sulung berusia 12 tahun di hadapannya.

"Ha'ah! Owang suka!" Wajah puas dia menjawab.

Sedari mereka berdua bergaduh tadi, akhirnya yang hanya kedengaran hanya tangisan kanak-kanak perempuan berusia 7 tahun. Jeritan bmereka berdua berhenti dan digantikan dengan tangisan dan erangan kesakitan meminta agar libasan rotan diberhentikan.

-2009-

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I'm reading notes from our lecturer for tomorrow's test rn and decided to give a shot here before sleeping. Wish me luck, maybe?

And for everyone who is fighting in a silent battlefield, I pray for every single person of you. May Allah ease everything for you.

Teruskan BacaanEverything went wrong.