Salam alayk, there.
I supposed to write a story about 'The Last Gift' tonight, heh. But you know what? Not everything would turn out as we wanna them to be like.
I happened to have quite a long, pretty depressive, non-suicidal, mourning, slow, and disappointing week. Had a Chemistry test this week and I didn't do well. I tried my best to kick every disturbance out of life, again.
Recently, I keep asking myself;
Am I do well? Am I supposed to be here? Am I loved? Am I good enough? Or I'm just burdensome to people around me? Why is nothing going right when I am around? Why is everything I do always go wrong?
I'm hesitating my worth every day; as if I should not exist or maybe is existing in the wrong place (?).
'Dah November dah.'-Dibs, 2020.
I feel like demolishing myself in this world, every single day.
To all people I love, I had shown my love in the wrong way and they turned up hating me - even in my family. I'm disappointed with myself. Why I can't make anyone smile? I keep asking myself every day. Gosh, please.
Not even once in my life, I ever made my mom or dad smile. It's hurting when I can't make them smile. Instead, they always disappointed with me. How disappointing is my life?
The voice nor the crucial image to end my life ever came anymore since I admitted into the university. However, the voice saying I am not good enough keeps coming again these past few days. I really hope I won't be facing them again.
I just got into a fight with my sister again this morning, lol. Umur 23 pun nak gaduh lagi, heh. And as usual, I am on the bad side. I made her cried when all tried to do is telling what's my problem for cannot do her order in a short time. I hope I could just go far from her so that no one would find me. Isn't that easy? No one would live in sorrow anymore.
I'm trying to fulfill meine Elterns dream and abandoned my own dream. I push everything away most of the time and I get abandoned, lol? As if I won't be sad and everything was my fault.
Oh, yes? I'm the problem. I am nothing. I should not keep living, I guess? Nothing should be too much for someone. Everyone is tested with different tests. I wonder how strong I should be to bear this pain alone, lol?
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"Ha, awak suka kan tengok adik awak sakit?!" Dia menyambung melibas rotan di kaki kanak-kanak perempuan berusia 7 tahun sambil menjengil matanya kepada anak perempuan sulung berusia 12 tahun di hadapannya.
"Ha'ah! Owang suka!" Wajah puas dia menjawab.
Sedari mereka berdua bergaduh tadi, akhirnya yang hanya kedengaran hanya tangisan kanak-kanak perempuan berusia 7 tahun. Jeritan bmereka berdua berhenti dan digantikan dengan tangisan dan erangan kesakitan meminta agar libasan rotan diberhentikan.
-2009-
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I'm reading notes from our lecturer for tomorrow's test rn and decided to give a shot here before sleeping. Wish me luck, maybe?
And for everyone who is fighting in a silent battlefield, I pray for every single person of you. May Allah ease everything for you.
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