Mind clearance

 Hi

It's night and I need my mind to clear from these thoughts.

I know it's funny to have like someone silently at the big age of 24 and I am almost 25 in few months ngl. Recently I went to two of his concerts, one was I accidentally came where he was there and the second one he invited me and I just said maybe I can make. Idk why in every concert of him that I went, he always insisted for me to meet me after concert. Macam mana nak cakap ni eh, macam bila aku datang concert dia, lepastu post any ig story, nanti dia akan reply. "Could have told me" "Why are you hidingg" "Mana you? Could meet before show pun takpe" I give 3 examples because I actually ran from him from 3 concerts. 

To put into context, 1 was when I went with my friends and SIL and I genuinely just wanted to enjoy the show with them. Like, he didnt invite me because it was a university program and ofc I saw the ads everywhere. 

The second time, he actually invited saying something "do come by if you are free. And this time let me know when you are there" and it was a xmas performance in the middle of the mall. Dia cakap ni pun bcs I asked if they would play full Nutcracker bcs I saw the collab with ballet school. And I am sucker when it comes to highly technical art. Then I came, watched him and just waited for him taking picture with his deskmate then I was cared what if his gf showed up? (I know about hi gf way too late after I started to like him from afar btw). Aku sangat sedar diri dan tak nak bend aburuk jadi, jadi memang seupayanya mengelak daripada dia. 

the third time was last weekend, where performed at one of the musical theatre about Yap Ah Loy and building Kuala Lumpur. He was in my blind spot, I saw near the stage and stil didnt see him. And he didnt find me among the crowd then I was like, yeah, no. I am not telling him. He wants to see me he will. I went to my friend standup comedy in a place like a bar (it's a cafe but have vibe of a bar for small club) , and my friend managed to fine me with me fully covered with denim cap and black mask. I didnt where any of that during your performance you still manage to not find me? Sound like a you problem. 

As for the concert I accindetally met him, i got a free tickets from project manager of the events. The main event was a talk about women reproductive health so I am coming to the event to help support them promoting women reproductive health at least to my Instagram followers, that arent more than 300 people. And in the midst of concert, I read the booklet of the events and jeng jengjeng ada nama dia dalam tu. I was dumbfounded but whatever. Then I met him and gave flowers I brought along to any events I go. Then the reconcilation and the conversation for this year started. lol.

Then he brought up about we should grab coffee since you are in town. Which was funny to me bcs now that I write it, it has some connotation like it has hidden meaning in negative way. Ive been thinking maybe he wanted to confront me about something; his pic I drew, the flowers in jar i sent anonymously. ok that was all. And I did all that before I knew he has a gf, ok. Please dont come at me.

I think the feeling I had for him is nothing but admiration bcs he is like the version of me I wish I am, with a supportive family and affectionate family. Not some attention deprived freak that need to workhard to prove herself and protect herself. We had same hobbies and same interest. Even admiring him from afar gives me a sense of satisfaction and happiness bcs of how happy he is when he is doing his thing. Dont get me wrong, I love myself and how hardships created multiple layers of shell of wisdom, but he is my what ifs when life actually go right and every single dream comes true. I dont have a single jealousy, but rather grateful for knowing him. He makes me able re-discover myself at the age of 22 and not being scared of restarted all over again.

Teruskan BacaanMind clearance

Tribute to Ibu Universiti

 I look at the time now, it's gonna finish a bit late. 

"I can't make it home by the last train as it finished tonight". I told my friend whom was a committee for the event that night. That's what I thought. If the event started at 8 the latest, I will be home maybe by 12 or 1am and I am working tomorrow. It took around 1h30m from home to there or the earliest maybe around 1h.

'It's okay, I will make it next year and meet her later'

I reassured myself. The next day, I still think of that night that I cancelled my initial plan because I got sick and can't go to office. I had to compensate the missing day to the next day. 

While I was going down the escalator this next morning, I suddenly thought,

"How am I so confident there will be the 'later' next year?" Yes, I kept asking myself the same question while setting up my workplace and getting some work done until it's time for the Scrum Meeting I hate.

and suddenly my colleague said, 

"Tun Hasmah meninggal."

It was a short sentence, but it woke me up totally from my morning sleepiness. I was flustered, I felt like I can feel my bloodstream moving faster and cold sweat hit me for awhile. It sounded nothing for someone who is not related by blood, but I got a flashback of losing my own grandma -- whom I lost before I got to fulfill her wish to cook for her 12 years ago. It was the classic 'later' story.

It sounded like a normal shocking news, but for me who has been saying 'later' to the last event I supposed to come and meet her, it meant a lot. It meant an unsettling resentment of hoping there will be a 'later'. The news struck me like lightning in the middle of sunny day.

I don't usually cry for a random famous person, but this isn't just a normal famous person.

Among the earliest women from Malaya to become a medical doctor.

The woman who had contributed a lot to education and health.

The woman who became a symbol of education and classy manner.

The woman who inspired other women to be kind, compassionate, and educated.

Losing her means losing one half kindness in the world. 

كُلُّ نَفۡسٍ ذَآئِقَةُ ٱلۡمَوۡتِۖ ثُمَّ إِلَيۡنَا تُرۡجَعُونَ

(Every soul will taste death)

اَللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لَهَا وَارْحَمْهَا، وَعَافِهَا وَاعْفُ عَنْهَا

Ya Rabb, Allah, forgive her, have mercy on her, grant her safety, and pardon her.

Ya Rabb, May your blessings and mercy is showered to her and protect her in hereafter, may her good deeds on this world will speak for her in the hereafter.

It makes me remember of some saying,

The death will come to you like an old friend, 

and so I hope this old friend is nice to Tun Hasmah. Her job and work in this world has finished and she indeed has done a lot to many people. May her good deed become an endless river for her rizq in hereafter.

Teruskan BacaanTribute to Ibu Universiti

Mastering The Art of Detachment

 Hilo hilo I am back..

.. for another crashout. Lol

The truth is my writing skill has been declining because I havent wrote anything or spoke a lot to people throughout my unemployment, lol. So, anyway..

The art of detachment. 

I realize I have a very good detachment skill or maybe just putting up boundaries masking for the fear of being perceived, lol. I first developed this when my grandpa was dying I think it was few days before he passed away and he refused to eat at all. You guys can find the story in my blog about the eating story. So my brother always brought and drove him around to fulfill his medical needs when we returned to this hometown I think just around 8 years ago. Jadi abang ni macam rapat dengan atuk blabla. Atuk tak suka makan lauk yang mak cik masak lepas nenek meninggal blablabla.

So on his dying day, me, a 17 y/o kid, naive, trying to be hero, thinking I might be able to ask my atuk to eat, was slapped in the face by the reality when my atuk rejected it (he rejected everyone to help him eat too btw) and my eldest sister laughed at my face seeing my act. I was confused and embarrased back then but thinking back, the laughter is actually justifiable.

I mean, I am no one. I serve no roles in family function. I am practically a ghost. My presence doesn't notice anyone, my absence doesn't bother anyone. Who tf I think I can melt my atuk's heart to eat LMAOO badut.

Also growing up in boarding school, you know what I felt as an ugly person whom doesnt align to Malaysia beauty standard? I felt left out, to make it worse I looked weird because kids my age talking about artists and things teenage love, me? I thought about philosophy, world hunger, issue ummah (lol islamic soft me as a kid), I am practically a party-popper. 

Given the situation, I had a thought of me being left out. What's the root cause? Why would I feel this way? I mean I always feel left out in family and even in extended family. When someone is feeling felt out, they will be depressed and then it will be reflected to the physical of the person as unpleasant view (?). Instead of changing myself to blend with people, I try to master the art of detachment.

The rule is simple. Put up boundaries as high as you can, show love unconditionally when you want and stop when you feel tired, the slogan goes like 'we can get to know each other by face, but we are not getting under each other's skin'. 

My life after I mastered this? A heaven. Feeling left out, feeling sad, all came from expectation. Expectation is built from the feeling of being attach to someone because you know they can do it. If  you just simply detach from them? Treating people in everyday life as another character you see, not as someone you wanna be with? Those expectiation will never being build. You won't beg for the reciprocal that never even crossed their mind, lol. You won't have to keep up with 'good behaviour' just to be accepted. You will just live as you want, doing what you love, only for yourself. Isn't it great?

I don't mean for you to just cut off people with this. That's rude. But the tricks is try do this and see if someone actually want to reciprocate your feelings or appreciate your existence. If they do, maybe they value you as much as you do to them. Relationship goes both way.

As an adult, I know my value and I am not just open up my hardshell for anyone just to be accepted. That's dumb. Even for family. Respect and love goes both way.

Teruskan BacaanMastering The Art of Detachment

Post-Graduation Episode

 Hi, it's me again.

Guess a lot of things have changed over the year. A lot has changed in me too after graduation.

Finding job is so humbling not because I keep getting rejected, bu because I keep asking my worth again and again. It's hard growing up insecure in myself, with my brain-no personality thing. I have no skill, good at memorizing but not too good to be able to memorize quran, but quite good above average that i memorize answer for exam.

I have just started applied for job for around 3 months since graduation, but idk a lot of things keep pressuring me. Telling myself i am not enough technical to be able to pass for technical job but I am easily gettting bored with admin job. 

Just now a huge amount of money got deducted from my account. The money I have saved to attend my best friend's weddings. I have been battling with my disease and used up a bunch of money to treat myself and avoid asking for money from my parents. I have used up my gold saving, my personal savings to treat myself and just have enough money to attend my friend's wedding. money got deducted due to the subscription from stupid website I have forgotten about. My parents once said it's fine to go for the treatment and will only use my insurance money. But when i asked for it, they refused to give so I have to continue my treatment by withdrawing 2.5 gram of gold to pay for 1.7k treatment. It would have costed less of gold now. But guess what, I hate all people with empty promise.

God always let me meet people with empty promises. From blood related, to the people I attached to. I dont believe in anyone because of this, tho. I have been struggling and working my ass off independently for too long.

I just wish to cease to exist. This world is tiring. I have to work hard for nothing. Work for people just because I feel pity and feel they need help. Guess what's the point, then? I have been there for people just to be forgotten. Then it's better to not involve in people at all, isnt it?

What a waste of time.

Sometimes I feel inpatient, God wish this upon me for what? I have done so many personal sins, ik. Does other not doing any sin that He favours them to cause damage on me?

I am tired, and I dont wish to exist. What am I even doing here?

Teruskan BacaanPost-Graduation Episode