Hilo hilo I am back..
.. for another crashout. Lol
The truth is my writing skill has been declining because I havent wrote anything or spoke a lot to people throughout my unemployment, lol. So, anyway..
The art of detachment.
I realize I have a very good detachment skill or maybe just putting up boundaries masking for the fear of being perceived, lol. I first developed this when my grandpa was dying I think it was few days before he passed away and he refused to eat at all. You guys can find the story in my blog about the eating story. So my brother always brought and drove him around to fulfill his medical needs when we returned to this hometown I think just around 8 years ago. Jadi abang ni macam rapat dengan atuk blabla. Atuk tak suka makan lauk yang mak cik masak lepas nenek meninggal blablabla.
So on his dying day, me, a 17 y/o kid, naive, trying to be hero, thinking I might be able to ask my atuk to eat, was slapped in the face by the reality when my atuk rejected it (he rejected everyone to help him eat too btw) and my eldest sister laughed at my face seeing my act. I was confused and embarrased back then but thinking back, the laughter is actually justifiable.
I mean, I am no one. I serve no roles in family function. I am practically a ghost. My presence doesn't notice anyone, my absence doesn't bother anyone. Who tf I think I can melt my atuk's heart to eat LMAOO badut.
Also growing up in boarding school, you know what I felt as an ugly person whom doesnt align to Malaysia beauty standard? I felt left out, to make it worse I looked weird because kids my age talking about artists and things teenage love, me? I thought about philosophy, world hunger, issue ummah (lol islamic soft me as a kid), I am practically a party-popper.
Given the situation, I had a thought of me being left out. What's the root cause? Why would I feel this way? I mean I always feel left out in family and even in extended family. When someone is feeling felt out, they will be depressed and then it will be reflected to the physical of the person as unpleasant view (?). Instead of changing myself to blend with people, I try to master the art of detachment.
The rule is simple. Put up boundaries as high as you can, show love unconditionally when you want and stop when you feel tired, the slogan goes like 'we can get to know each other by face, but we are not getting under each other's skin'.
My life after I mastered this? A heaven. Feeling left out, feeling sad, all came from expectation. Expectation is built from the feeling of being attach to someone because you know they can do it. If you just simply detach from them? Treating people in everyday life as another character you see, not as someone you wanna be with? Those expectiation will never being build. You won't beg for the reciprocal that never even crossed their mind, lol. You won't have to keep up with 'good behaviour' just to be accepted. You will just live as you want, doing what you love, only for yourself. Isn't it great?
I don't mean for you to just cut off people with this. That's rude. But the tricks is try do this and see if someone actually want to reciprocate your feelings or appreciate your existence. If they do, maybe they value you as much as you do to them. Relationship goes both way.
As an adult, I know my value and I am not just open up my hardshell for anyone just to be accepted. That's dumb. Even for family. Respect and love goes both way.
