Hi, it's me again.
Guess a lot of things have changed over the year. A lot has changed in me too after graduation.
Finding job is so humbling not because I keep getting rejected, bu because I keep asking my worth again and again. It's hard growing up insecure in myself, with my brain-no personality thing. I have no skill, good at memorizing but not too good to be able to memorize quran, but quite good above average that i memorize answer for exam.
I have just started applied for job for around 3 months since graduation, but idk a lot of things keep pressuring me. Telling myself i am not enough technical to be able to pass for technical job but I am easily gettting bored with admin job.
Just now a huge amount of money got deducted from my account. The money I have saved to attend my best friend's weddings. I have been battling with my disease and used up a bunch of money to treat myself and avoid asking for money from my parents. I have used up my gold saving, my personal savings to treat myself and just have enough money to attend my friend's wedding. money got deducted due to the subscription from stupid website I have forgotten about. My parents once said it's fine to go for the treatment and will only use my insurance money. But when i asked for it, they refused to give so I have to continue my treatment by withdrawing 2.5 gram of gold to pay for 1.7k treatment. It would have costed less of gold now. But guess what, I hate all people with empty promise.
God always let me meet people with empty promises. From blood related, to the people I attached to. I dont believe in anyone because of this, tho. I have been struggling and working my ass off independently for too long.
I just wish to cease to exist. This world is tiring. I have to work hard for nothing. Work for people just because I feel pity and feel they need help. Guess what's the point, then? I have been there for people just to be forgotten. Then it's better to not involve in people at all, isnt it?
What a waste of time.
Sometimes I feel inpatient, God wish this upon me for what? I have done so many personal sins, ik. Does other not doing any sin that He favours them to cause damage on me?
I am tired, and I dont wish to exist. What am I even doing here?
