Hi
It's night and I need my mind to clear from these thoughts.
I know it's funny to have like someone silently at the big age of 24 and I am almost 25 in few months ngl. Recently I went to two of his concerts, one was I accidentally came where he was there and the second one he invited me and I just said maybe I can make. Idk why in every concert of him that I went, he always insisted for me to meet me after concert. Macam mana nak cakap ni eh, macam bila aku datang concert dia, lepastu post any ig story, nanti dia akan reply. "Could have told me" "Why are you hidingg" "Mana you? Could meet before show pun takpe" I give 3 examples because I actually ran from him from 3 concerts.
To put into context, 1 was when I went with my friends and SIL and I genuinely just wanted to enjoy the show with them. Like, he didnt invite me because it was a university program and ofc I saw the ads everywhere.
The second time, he actually invited saying something "do come by if you are free. And this time let me know when you are there" and it was a xmas performance in the middle of the mall. Dia cakap ni pun bcs I asked if they would play full Nutcracker bcs I saw the collab with ballet school. And I am sucker when it comes to highly technical art. Then I came, watched him and just waited for him taking picture with his deskmate then I was cared what if his gf showed up? (I know about hi gf way too late after I started to like him from afar btw). Aku sangat sedar diri dan tak nak bend aburuk jadi, jadi memang seupayanya mengelak daripada dia.
the third time was last weekend, where performed at one of the musical theatre about Yap Ah Loy and building Kuala Lumpur. He was in my blind spot, I saw near the stage and stil didnt see him. And he didnt find me among the crowd then I was like, yeah, no. I am not telling him. He wants to see me he will. I went to my friend standup comedy in a place like a bar (it's a cafe but have vibe of a bar for small club) , and my friend managed to fine me with me fully covered with denim cap and black mask. I didnt where any of that during your performance you still manage to not find me? Sound like a you problem.
As for the concert I accindetally met him, i got a free tickets from project manager of the events. The main event was a talk about women reproductive health so I am coming to the event to help support them promoting women reproductive health at least to my Instagram followers, that arent more than 300 people. And in the midst of concert, I read the booklet of the events and jeng jengjeng ada nama dia dalam tu. I was dumbfounded but whatever. Then I met him and gave flowers I brought along to any events I go. Then the reconcilation and the conversation for this year started. lol.
Then he brought up about we should grab coffee since you are in town. Which was funny to me bcs now that I write it, it has some connotation like it has hidden meaning in negative way. Ive been thinking maybe he wanted to confront me about something; his pic I drew, the flowers in jar i sent anonymously. ok that was all. And I did all that before I knew he has a gf, ok. Please dont come at me.
I think the feeling I had for him is nothing but admiration bcs he is like the version of me I wish I am, with a supportive family and affectionate family. Not some attention deprived freak that need to workhard to prove herself and protect herself. We had same hobbies and same interest. Even admiring him from afar gives me a sense of satisfaction and happiness bcs of how happy he is when he is doing his thing. Dont get me wrong, I love myself and how hardships created multiple layers of shell of wisdom, but he is my what ifs when life actually go right and every single dream comes true. I dont have a single jealousy, but rather grateful for knowing him. He makes me able re-discover myself at the age of 22 and not being scared of restarted all over again.
