In the name of Allah the most gracious and most merciful.
It as been quite a long time not updating my life here. But I just happened to feel like ranting and updating the not very nice side of my life without annoying others. Haha
I have finished my A-level, now pursuing my degree in information technology. At the beginning of my degree life, to be really honest felt miserable because I really go into a new place, new environment I never survived before. Totally a new experience, new friends, new social group that I am very grateful of.
First trimester felt horrible, yes it was.
Now? nah. I feel really good.
The tinies decision that affected my life is joining this one club in university. It's not necessarily need to known, right? But I met a number of new people from different culture and social background. It obviously has helped me a lot in turning me into me now. I met this one girl, the new one in club too. She is very kind girl and a very positive one. To be really honest, I really grateful for knowing her. She taught me a lot. There was one day she talked about how lucky she is despite getting wounds in hands, car broke down, and some unfortunate events.
I started to think a lot when she said that. Every time I went to club, I will be nervous but I immediately relief upon seeing her shines. To think back, her existance does change my degree life a lot A LOT even though we don't spend too many time together.
Actually, I have been showered with some series of unfortunate events in my life, for me lahkan.
Doctors found some cysts in different parts of my body. Total of 3 but we found them all separately. First time I found it, I was really sad and scared. It was on November 2022. The second one found on February 2023. The third one was found on June 2023 but might be ruptured.
As time passed, the second and the third one doesnt make me sad anymore. Instead, I feel glad and think how lucky I am for only having those as an harmless cysts. A health complication, yes. Can be removed with surgery, yes. It does concern me, yes. What should I do then? idk, I go eat a cake to celebrate because it's not a cancer (yet).
I believe I am the luckiest girl because some people got it harder than me.
I got some issues going on too, but academic started to be nice with me alhamdulillah He make it easy for me in this part. The environment does help me a lot in growing up beautifully (not physically, but okay)
But there was some nights, I thought about the heartbreak I went through before this. It just--- feels sad to be honest.. Anyone who has been here when I posted poems or puisi every night might know what happened, isn't it? Someone from social media asked me to be his 'friend', and I refused knowing I am not capable to have feelings with someone fater 'that' tragedy. (Actually not really a serious tragedy, it just affected me that much).
Recently I have my eyes on my friend and I started to post a lot (even though a silly thing) to entertain him. I realized I started my habit just like few years ago when I have my eyes on someone. I try to stop posting too much because why would I keep thinking about someone when I want to do something that supposed to only affects my wall. I dont like myself because I keep wanting to 'give' silently to someone that dont even cared. Years back, I even deactivated my acc, stop posting during his exam season to make sure he wont get distracted. When I started to behave like this again, I feel really silly because-- just because. I mean, you guys do think it's very stupid, right????
Not mentioning, now too, I have my eyes on someone that not 'hard' to get. But 'impossible' to get. can I use 'if you know, you know' here? hahaha. He is not gay, (maybe) just I know how impossible it is. Anyhow, I dont think this feeling is real. I just feel stupid 24/7 when I realize what is happening to myself.
Next story is about me started to losing myself. I am in my trimester break and I dont know what to do because I cant go training (cannot drive and no one to send me there) when training is like a therapy for me, so just know I picked up my calligraphy set trying to revisit my childhood and pain. I tried to recreate, i tried to draw portrait, I tried to do calligraphy once again; like before. but I cant. This really got me thinking how my parents never wanted to spend money to my hobby. Everytime I do the calligraphy, I remember how my friend compared me with another calligrapher that he was sent to class to learn calligraphy so he is better than me. I was like, ok? So it's obvious why he is better than me. Not a bad thing tho because I ve been admiring him since middle school (right, I know him since middle school so not a surprised). It's not like I feel sad because I cannot be better than him. I just-- sometimes wondering how much trust my parents can give me.
I went to hospital alone because I get njured a lot and no one trust me when I said I am hurt. I conceal everything, I solve everything. If I want something, I will go for it by myself because I am growing up with No as an answer to everything. I am used to take care of myself, Of course sometimes I look miserable, but I always dont feel good sharing my misfortune with others at all.
I am at the point that I might already know how to fix my stuff. All that stuff I can fix, but I cant fix my broken relationship. lol
I started to feel good if no one want to pay attention to me. I am really okay going to doctor alone, going through everything alone, but please never be in my way. Handling forward alone is already hard, if you interrupt it, I am gonna have a harder time. Whenever you see me in a hard time, I hope everyone can step backward until I fix everything and situation become safe enough to come join again or if you want to be there, please dont say a word. My brain is working hard to survive, dont disturb it unless you can solve right away.
I keep telling myself that I am an adult, and that's just how life works. So dont worry, I will be okay.