Mind clearance

 Hi

It's night and I need my mind to clear from these thoughts.

I know it's funny to have like someone silently at the big age of 24 and I am almost 25 in few months ngl. Recently I went to two of his concerts, one was I accidentally came where he was there and the second one he invited me and I just said maybe I can make. Idk why in every concert of him that I went, he always insisted for me to meet me after concert. Macam mana nak cakap ni eh, macam bila aku datang concert dia, lepastu post any ig story, nanti dia akan reply. "Could have told me" "Why are you hidingg" "Mana you? Could meet before show pun takpe" I give 3 examples because I actually ran from him from 3 concerts. 

To put into context, 1 was when I went with my friends and SIL and I genuinely just wanted to enjoy the show with them. Like, he didnt invite me because it was a university program and ofc I saw the ads everywhere. 

The second time, he actually invited saying something "do come by if you are free. And this time let me know when you are there" and it was a xmas performance in the middle of the mall. Dia cakap ni pun bcs I asked if they would play full Nutcracker bcs I saw the collab with ballet school. And I am sucker when it comes to highly technical art. Then I came, watched him and just waited for him taking picture with his deskmate then I was cared what if his gf showed up? (I know about hi gf way too late after I started to like him from afar btw). Aku sangat sedar diri dan tak nak bend aburuk jadi, jadi memang seupayanya mengelak daripada dia. 

the third time was last weekend, where performed at one of the musical theatre about Yap Ah Loy and building Kuala Lumpur. He was in my blind spot, I saw near the stage and stil didnt see him. And he didnt find me among the crowd then I was like, yeah, no. I am not telling him. He wants to see me he will. I went to my friend standup comedy in a place like a bar (it's a cafe but have vibe of a bar for small club) , and my friend managed to fine me with me fully covered with denim cap and black mask. I didnt where any of that during your performance you still manage to not find me? Sound like a you problem. 

As for the concert I accindetally met him, i got a free tickets from project manager of the events. The main event was a talk about women reproductive health so I am coming to the event to help support them promoting women reproductive health at least to my Instagram followers, that arent more than 300 people. And in the midst of concert, I read the booklet of the events and jeng jengjeng ada nama dia dalam tu. I was dumbfounded but whatever. Then I met him and gave flowers I brought along to any events I go. Then the reconcilation and the conversation for this year started. lol.

Then he brought up about we should grab coffee since you are in town. Which was funny to me bcs now that I write it, it has some connotation like it has hidden meaning in negative way. Ive been thinking maybe he wanted to confront me about something; his pic I drew, the flowers in jar i sent anonymously. ok that was all. And I did all that before I knew he has a gf, ok. Please dont come at me.

I think the feeling I had for him is nothing but admiration bcs he is like the version of me I wish I am, with a supportive family and affectionate family. Not some attention deprived freak that need to workhard to prove herself and protect herself. We had same hobbies and same interest. Even admiring him from afar gives me a sense of satisfaction and happiness bcs of how happy he is when he is doing his thing. Dont get me wrong, I love myself and how hardships created multiple layers of shell of wisdom, but he is my what ifs when life actually go right and every single dream comes true. I dont have a single jealousy, but rather grateful for knowing him. He makes me able re-discover myself at the age of 22 and not being scared of restarted all over again.

Teruskan BacaanMind clearance

Tribute to Ibu Universiti

 I look at the time now, it's gonna finish a bit late. 

"I can't make it home by the last train as it finished tonight". I told my friend whom was a committee for the event that night. That's what I thought. If the event started at 8 the latest, I will be home maybe by 12 or 1am and I am working tomorrow. It took around 1h30m from home to there or the earliest maybe around 1h.

'It's okay, I will make it next year and meet her later'

I reassured myself. The next day, I still think of that night that I cancelled my initial plan because I got sick and can't go to office. I had to compensate the missing day to the next day. 

While I was going down the escalator this next morning, I suddenly thought,

"How am I so confident there will be the 'later' next year?" Yes, I kept asking myself the same question while setting up my workplace and getting some work done until it's time for the Scrum Meeting I hate.

and suddenly my colleague said, 

"Tun Hasmah meninggal."

It was a short sentence, but it woke me up totally from my morning sleepiness. I was flustered, I felt like I can feel my bloodstream moving faster and cold sweat hit me for awhile. It sounded nothing for someone who is not related by blood, but I got a flashback of losing my own grandma -- whom I lost before I got to fulfill her wish to cook for her 12 years ago. It was the classic 'later' story.

It sounded like a normal shocking news, but for me who has been saying 'later' to the last event I supposed to come and meet her, it meant a lot. It meant an unsettling resentment of hoping there will be a 'later'. The news struck me like lightning in the middle of sunny day.

I don't usually cry for a random famous person, but this isn't just a normal famous person.

Among the earliest women from Malaya to become a medical doctor.

The woman who had contributed a lot to education and health.

The woman who became a symbol of education and classy manner.

The woman who inspired other women to be kind, compassionate, and educated.

Losing her means losing one half kindness in the world. 

كُلُّ نَفۡسٍ ذَآئِقَةُ ٱلۡمَوۡتِۖ ثُمَّ إِلَيۡنَا تُرۡجَعُونَ

(Every soul will taste death)

اَللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لَهَا وَارْحَمْهَا، وَعَافِهَا وَاعْفُ عَنْهَا

Ya Rabb, Allah, forgive her, have mercy on her, grant her safety, and pardon her.

Ya Rabb, May your blessings and mercy is showered to her and protect her in hereafter, may her good deeds on this world will speak for her in the hereafter.

It makes me remember of some saying,

The death will come to you like an old friend, 

and so I hope this old friend is nice to Tun Hasmah. Her job and work in this world has finished and she indeed has done a lot to many people. May her good deed become an endless river for her rizq in hereafter.

Teruskan BacaanTribute to Ibu Universiti

Mastering The Art of Detachment

 Hilo hilo I am back..

.. for another crashout. Lol

The truth is my writing skill has been declining because I havent wrote anything or spoke a lot to people throughout my unemployment, lol. So, anyway..

The art of detachment. 

I realize I have a very good detachment skill or maybe just putting up boundaries masking for the fear of being perceived, lol. I first developed this when my grandpa was dying I think it was few days before he passed away and he refused to eat at all. You guys can find the story in my blog about the eating story. So my brother always brought and drove him around to fulfill his medical needs when we returned to this hometown I think just around 8 years ago. Jadi abang ni macam rapat dengan atuk blabla. Atuk tak suka makan lauk yang mak cik masak lepas nenek meninggal blablabla.

So on his dying day, me, a 17 y/o kid, naive, trying to be hero, thinking I might be able to ask my atuk to eat, was slapped in the face by the reality when my atuk rejected it (he rejected everyone to help him eat too btw) and my eldest sister laughed at my face seeing my act. I was confused and embarrased back then but thinking back, the laughter is actually justifiable.

I mean, I am no one. I serve no roles in family function. I am practically a ghost. My presence doesn't notice anyone, my absence doesn't bother anyone. Who tf I think I can melt my atuk's heart to eat LMAOO badut.

Also growing up in boarding school, you know what I felt as an ugly person whom doesnt align to Malaysia beauty standard? I felt left out, to make it worse I looked weird because kids my age talking about artists and things teenage love, me? I thought about philosophy, world hunger, issue ummah (lol islamic soft me as a kid), I am practically a party-popper. 

Given the situation, I had a thought of me being left out. What's the root cause? Why would I feel this way? I mean I always feel left out in family and even in extended family. When someone is feeling felt out, they will be depressed and then it will be reflected to the physical of the person as unpleasant view (?). Instead of changing myself to blend with people, I try to master the art of detachment.

The rule is simple. Put up boundaries as high as you can, show love unconditionally when you want and stop when you feel tired, the slogan goes like 'we can get to know each other by face, but we are not getting under each other's skin'. 

My life after I mastered this? A heaven. Feeling left out, feeling sad, all came from expectation. Expectation is built from the feeling of being attach to someone because you know they can do it. If  you just simply detach from them? Treating people in everyday life as another character you see, not as someone you wanna be with? Those expectiation will never being build. You won't beg for the reciprocal that never even crossed their mind, lol. You won't have to keep up with 'good behaviour' just to be accepted. You will just live as you want, doing what you love, only for yourself. Isn't it great?

I don't mean for you to just cut off people with this. That's rude. But the tricks is try do this and see if someone actually want to reciprocate your feelings or appreciate your existence. If they do, maybe they value you as much as you do to them. Relationship goes both way.

As an adult, I know my value and I am not just open up my hardshell for anyone just to be accepted. That's dumb. Even for family. Respect and love goes both way.

Teruskan BacaanMastering The Art of Detachment

Post-Graduation Episode

 Hi, it's me again.

Guess a lot of things have changed over the year. A lot has changed in me too after graduation.

Finding job is so humbling not because I keep getting rejected, bu because I keep asking my worth again and again. It's hard growing up insecure in myself, with my brain-no personality thing. I have no skill, good at memorizing but not too good to be able to memorize quran, but quite good above average that i memorize answer for exam.

I have just started applied for job for around 3 months since graduation, but idk a lot of things keep pressuring me. Telling myself i am not enough technical to be able to pass for technical job but I am easily gettting bored with admin job. 

Just now a huge amount of money got deducted from my account. The money I have saved to attend my best friend's weddings. I have been battling with my disease and used up a bunch of money to treat myself and avoid asking for money from my parents. I have used up my gold saving, my personal savings to treat myself and just have enough money to attend my friend's wedding. money got deducted due to the subscription from stupid website I have forgotten about. My parents once said it's fine to go for the treatment and will only use my insurance money. But when i asked for it, they refused to give so I have to continue my treatment by withdrawing 2.5 gram of gold to pay for 1.7k treatment. It would have costed less of gold now. But guess what, I hate all people with empty promise.

God always let me meet people with empty promises. From blood related, to the people I attached to. I dont believe in anyone because of this, tho. I have been struggling and working my ass off independently for too long.

I just wish to cease to exist. This world is tiring. I have to work hard for nothing. Work for people just because I feel pity and feel they need help. Guess what's the point, then? I have been there for people just to be forgotten. Then it's better to not involve in people at all, isnt it?

What a waste of time.

Sometimes I feel inpatient, God wish this upon me for what? I have done so many personal sins, ik. Does other not doing any sin that He favours them to cause damage on me?

I am tired, and I dont wish to exist. What am I even doing here?

Teruskan BacaanPost-Graduation Episode

Everyone Listen! I return for a quick life update!!

In the name of Allah the most Gracious, the Merciful

 Hello hello

Weh I am so tired dah beberapa hari demam daripada dua hari sebelum puasa, infectiopn di telinga lepastu demam. Raya pertama, kena selsema sebab air-con kereta ada yang agak berhabuk. Untuk semua hal yang berlaku, jujrnya saya sudah agak kehilangan tenaga untuk buat semua benda. 

So anyway,

I have been writing since the year before I sat for my UPSR around 12, now I am in my 20s finishing my final year of degree. What a long time already.

Time has passed and I have changed a lot A LOT in a sense the past me cringed me too much.

----

Babe wow. I stopped writing this on 4th April and now I just wanted to continue it. It's 1st of DECEMBER now!

I think I wanted to update how I got to know the someone I liked from college has a girlfriend and I wanted to express my sadness hahahaha.

Guess guess what I wanna update today.

Y'all, I am graduating in a few days!!!

For now, I just got to know I won an Award!! Best student in faculty for undergraduate I think. Firstly they asked for my CV and then suddenly I got invitation for the interview hahaha. It was really sudden and shokiert. I never knew my university has any award for except chancellor awards since we are private university. I only know we have this award I think in my second year because my friend was obssessed with recognition and success, which is a normal thing for a normal person. I, on the other hand, stopped being obssesed with being too successful to the point I will get recognition since I was 15, after my first ever depression episode hit me. Since then, y'all just know I don't want anything in life, like babe. I dont even want to live this long life hahahha.

So the update is I am graduating, I will receive award, I ended my degree life with last 2 capture the flag competition. If anyone of you are familiar with it, I usually go by schwrzrschwn (Schwarzer Schwan which means black swan in German). Pleae find my name if anyone of you play it hahahha. Next update is, my brother from another mother, yj officially a lawyer last Septermber (I think?). 

Also, I went to a christmas performance which my somewhat I used to have feelings for performed in, at Pavi Bukit Jalil, after that performance, I posted igs tsutaya bookstore with my friends and he replied, "Again?? Why are you hiding~~~" I can just laugh and reply saying I am not hiding, just in a rush. Then he never replied to my text again, not even like. hahahahah. Actually he invited me to come which I think he didnt mean it and just done out of courtesy when I asked him what performance he did. 

"Do come by if you are free. And this time let me know when you are there"

'Alright! eh. ahhahahahahhahaha 🙈"

Then I came and not tell him again hahahha. I mean, he said that out of courtesy, I came there out of courtesy. Then what's the problem if I didnt tell him? If he wants to see me, then he will come to me lah kan? I think we are friend, not really close tho. We are friend, but not close enough to the point I will tell him if I went to watch his performance. Like my other friend who are very active in performing gendang cina, I didnt tell him either I went to the event. 

Another update, I did cryptography FYP and I scored solid A+. My cute application goes far, hahahha. My lecturer so kind for giving me that marks. Chatgpt for coding purpose when I stuck, V0 for interface I designed on Figma. Oh and the lecturer helped me to send it on the international conference.

Then I did my internship as IT Audit and accidentally altered client's data. That happened in my last week and I didnt realized, no one realized until the customer complained. I dont even know how that happened. My seniors are all nice and good to me, but the internship season was traumatizing even when I remember my senior's name because he has been there with me. He's so kind and warm, but I hate the day I spent bcs I intended to help them and lessen their burden. But I closed my chapters with increasing their work. I felt bad and I consider myself to do my departure in a bad way bcs I don't need or want to appear in their life again as Ik will just create more mess.

In my time doing internship in KL, I learnt playing harp. It was fun!!! I have been wanting to learn music, and one day after ctf APU2024, I thought, maybe I should learn harp. It was a dream comes true.

Oh lastly, my endometrioma recurring so I have to put my judo and silat stuff on hold. So maybe I will get work and just study music in time being since my main dopamine source were put on hold. hhahahaha.

I will be doing my stage 2 interview, which was a technical interview to do pentest and my parents are getting older now and got sick quite frequent (tiber). Please pray for us. Auf wiedershen!

Teruskan BacaanEveryone Listen! I return for a quick life update!!

The future I am afraid of

 Hallo Hallo it's been a long time leh hahaha. 2024 dy.

The future I am afraid of, 

Swimming through the uncertainty,

Going on without looking back,

Sticking and still hoping for my past,

To stick around and move with me,

As I pass by things I am familiar with.

Macam ni tau, tahun ni awal tahun haritu dah dapat offer letter daripada Saudi and I don't know what to do with that information. Hahaha. I am currently in my second year, I have a problem with management where we must move out by this March, I have a lot of assignments and projects that need to be done, having a tiny bit of happiness about someone I could never have, also burning feeling seeing someone I was impossibly get with someone else. Hahahhaa.

Dia macam serabut gila, tapi ok.

Aku dah minta tangguh untuk pergi ke Saudi tu ke Ogos ni, tapi kena tanya juga lecturer aku berapa banyak kali aku boleh tangguh study kat sini dan tengok balik perjanjian macam mana. 

I am afraid of moving out into a house with people I am not familiar with, going to another country leaving all things I have built here, starting from 0 and failing hard.

Idk I said people who never changed won't grow. We all are afraid of new things. We all are afraid of something we don't know.

I pray for Allah to make it easy for us even when I don't know what I must do or what I will face, He knows me well and will put and end for everything I am facing rn.

Maybe I am too attached to everything I have now. I should learn and study hard to let things go.

Teruskan BacaanThe future I am afraid of

Finshing my second trimester first year degree

In the name of Allah the most gracious and most merciful.

It as been quite a long time not updating my life here. But I just happened to feel like ranting and updating the not very nice side of my life without annoying others. Haha

I have finished my A-level, now pursuing my degree in information technology. At the beginning of my degree life, to be really honest felt miserable because I really go into a new place, new environment I never survived before. Totally a new experience, new friends, new social group that I am very grateful of.

First trimester felt horrible, yes it was.

Now? nah. I feel really good.

The tinies decision that affected my life is joining this one club in university. It's not necessarily need to be known, right? But I met a number of new people from different cultures and social backgrounds. It obviously has helped me a lot in turning me into me now. I met this one girl, the new one in club too. She is very kind girl and a very positive one. To be really honest, I really grateful for knowing her. She taught me a lot. There was one day she talked about how lucky she is despite getting wounds in hands, car broke down, and some unfortunate events. 

When she said that, I started to think a lot. Every time I went to the club, I was nervous, but I immediately felt relief upon seeing her shine. Thinking back, her existence did change my degree life a lot, A LOT, even though we don't spend too much time together. 

Actually, I have been showered with some series of unfortunate events in my life, for me lahkan.

Doctors found some cysts in different parts of my body. Total of 3 but we found them all separately. First time I found it, I was really sad and scared. It was on November 2022. The second one found on February 2023. The third one was found on June 2023 but might be ruptured.

As time passed, the second and the third one doesnt make me sad anymore. Instead, I feel glad and think how lucky I am for only having those as an harmless cysts. A health complication, yes. Can be removed with surgery, yes. It does concern me, yes. What should I do then? idk, I go eat a cake to celebrate because it's not a cancer (yet).

I believe I am the luckiest girl because some people got it harder than me.

I got some issues going on too, but academic started to be nice with me alhamdulillah He made it easy for me in this part. The environment does help me a lot in growing up beautifully (not physically, but okay)

But there were some nights, I thought about the heartbreak I went through before this. It just--- feels sad to be honest.. Anyone who has been here when I posted poems or puisi every night might know what happened, isn't it? Someone from social media asked me to be his 'friend', and I refused knowing I am not capable to have feelings with someone after 'that' tragedy. (Actually not really a serious tragedy, it just affected me that much).

Recently I have my eyes on my friend and I started to post a lot (even though a silly thing) to entertain him. I realized I started my habit just like a few years ago when I had my eyes on someone. I try to stop posting too much because why would I keep thinking about someone when I want to do something that is supposed to only affect my wall. I dont like myself because I kept wanting to 'give' silently to someone that dont even care. Years back, I even deactivated my acc, stop posting during his exam season to make sure he wont get distracted. When I started to behave like this again, I feel really silly because-- just because. I mean, you guys do think it's very stupid, right????

Not mentioning, now too, I have my eyes on someone that not 'hard' to get. But 'impossible' to get. can I use 'if you know, you know' here? hahaha. He is not gay, (maybe) just I know how impossible it is. Anyhow, I dont think this feeling is real. I just feel stupid 24/7 when I realize what is happening to myself.

Next story is about me started to losing myself. I am in my trimester break and I dont know what to do because I cant go training (cannot drive and no one to send me there) when training is like a therapy for me, so just know I picked up my calligraphy set trying to revisit my childhood and pain. I tried to recreate, i tried to draw portrait, I tried to do calligraphy once again; like before. but I cant. This really got me thinking how my parents never wanted to spend money on my hobby. Everytime I do the calligraphy, I remember how my friend compared me with another calligrapher who was sent to class to learn calligraphy so he is better than me. I was like, ok? So it's obvious why he is better than me. Not a bad thing tho because I ve been admiring him since middle school (right, I known him since middle school so not a surprised). It's not like I feel sad because I cannot be better than him. I just-- sometimes wondering how much trust my parents can give me.

I went to hospital alone because I get njured a lot and no one trust me when I said I am hurt. I conceal everything, I solve everything. If I want something, I will go for it by myself because I am growing up with Nos as an answer to everything. I am used to take care of myself, Of course sometimes I look miserable, but I always dont feel good sharing my misfortune with others at all.

I am at the point that I might already know how to fix my stuff. All that stuff I can fix, but I cant fix my broken relationship. lol

I started to feel good if no one want to pay attention to me. I am really okay going to doctor alone, going through everything alone, but please never be in my way. Handling forward alone is already hard, if you interrupt it, I am gonna have a harder time. Whenever you see me in a hard time, I hope everyone can step backward until I fix everything and situation become safe enough to come join again or if you want to be there, please dont say a word. My brain is working hard to survive, dont disturb it unless you can solve right away. 

I keep telling myself that I am an adult, and that's just how life works. So dont worry, I will be okay.

Teruskan BacaanFinshing my second trimester first year degree

Kudus

Kudus (inspirasi lagu Clean)

Terik mentari membunuh hidup-hidup

Janji dan nyawa kita semai bersama

Mencari cari sumber penerus hidup

Yang telah kau bawa pergi jauh.

 

Langkah engkau telah hilang,

Namun bayang kau masih menari lincah dalam ruangan in

Dia jembalang yang tiada

Mahu meninggalkan tuan.

 

Kepulan gelap tebal berarak pantas daripada timur

Perlahan rintik hujan masa lampau aku biar membasahi seluruhnya

Hujan dalam kemarau rindu.

Ini pasti anugerah tuhan.

 

Tanpa sedar hujan banganti banjir

Dan aku lemas dalam limpahan anugerah tuhan

Jembalang yang asyik dalam tarian perlahan pergi dibawa banjir

Meninggalkan aku lemas sendiri.

 

Tiada yang memandang sipi walau dalam teriak agresif

Kini aku sendiri lencun lemas berdiri

Lemas menolak aku berdiri,

Kemarau menarik aku rebah.

 

Banjir yang surut membawa deras pergi masa lalu,

Meninggalkan aku yang telah kudus

Ruang sepi dan aman

Yang pernah bingit dengan tangis sendiri.

2331 // 19022023

Izella

 

 

 

Teruskan BacaanKudus

Tribute ajinot

 25/10/2022 0234

My heart burns every time I remember how you looked the last time I saw you. I remember seeing your tail first and smiled because you just came home after playing around since evening.

I saw you, yet I didnt take you right away sebab tak jumpa tudung nak keluar rumah and cant wait to watch my on going jdrama. I. Let. You. Went. Missing. Because. Of. My. Stupid. Drama

I could never watched that drama again after this. :((

26/10/2022 1142

Ajinot sayang akak, akak dah distribute kat first lane taman perumahan ni tadi. Haha. Semoga ada orang yang jumpa ajinot. Semoga Allah izinkan kita bersatu kembali sebelum akak ke Saudi, ya. Semoga Allah izinkan akak untuk sayangi ajinot lagi. Semoga Allah izinkan ajinot tidur dalam pelukan akak lagi pada setiap malam. Akak dah minta raaamaaaii orang doakan supaya ajinot jumpa jalan pulang dan semoga kita disatukan semula. Allah Maha Mendengar. Allah Maha memakbulkan doa hamba-hamba-Nya yang berdoa. Sekarang akak tak akan putus berdoa sementara tunggu doa akak dimakbulkan. 

Semoga Allah sentiasa menjaga ajinot daripada apa sahaja marabahaya dan kelaparan di luar sana. <3

29/10/2022 0121

Ajinot sayang akak,

Malam ni sepatutnya ajin teman akak tidur untuk kali terakhir sampai minggu depan akak balik lagi.

Patutnya malam ni ajin teman akak tengok cerita kali terakhir.

Patutnya malam ni akak dah siap kemas. Tapi dua minggu lebih ni tersia begitu sahaja sebab akak tak dapat fokus untuk hidup. Sepanjang masa akak fikirkan ajin di mana, kenapa Allah tak makbulkan doa akak lagi, adakah Tuhan mendengar rintihan akak mengenai ajin, adakah akak tak akan jumpa ajin untuk selamanya, bagaimana hidup ajin di luar sana?

Akak dah plan elok elok sebelum ni. 2 minggu straight sebelum masuk belajar, akak nak tidur dengan ajin. Akak nak bagi ajin teman akak kemas barang. Next week lepas habis orientasi, akak nak bawa ajin ke apartment baru kita sebab ajin budak yang baik. Sepatutnya tak ada masalah.

Ajinot, tadi kami ke pasar untuk cari ajin. Tapi ajin tak ada.. :((

Kadang kadang akak mimpi pasal malam terakhir akak nampak ajin. Dalam mimpi mimpi tersebut, akak ambil ajin masuk rumah dan ajin tidur atas katil macam biasa.

Mimpi yang datang daripada desperation di lubuk hati akak.

Ajin sayang, setiap hari akak berdoa supaya Allah memberi petunjuk mengenai ajin dan semoga Allah Yang Mah Baik memulangkan ajin. 

Akak pernah terdetik suatu ketika dulu masa ajin baring atas sejadah akak. adakah Allah akan mengambil ajin juga kerana ajin telah ganggu akak khusyuk dalam solat?

Tak pernah sangka Allah akan ambil ajin sebegini rupa.

Akak mengharapkan keajaiban berlaku bagaimana bertemunya adik beradik Yusuf A.S setelah membuang baginda ke dalam perigi buta.

Kuasa Allah tidak terhad. Cuma adakalanya iman akak teruji dengan doa yang tidak dimakbulkan lagi. Semoga Allah mengurniakan kesabaran buat akak dan menaikkan darjat akak dengan ujian yang sangat berat ini.

Sedikit sebanyak akak belajar bersyukur atas ujian ini kerana meneguhkan akak dalam tauhid ini. Iman tidak akan pernah teruji sehingga berada dalam keadaan mendesak. Ada ornag yang sampai menggunakan khidmat benda ghaib selain Allah untuk mencari kembali. Ada yang melakukan perkara terlarang. Jalan pintas.

Tapi akak perlu teguh berdoa pada Allah sahaja. Akak tak mahu kalah dengan ujian keimanan ini. 

Ajinot sayang, sekiranya akak dapat ke saudi sungguh. Setiap hujung minggu akan akak persiapkan diri untuk menunaikan umrah dan berdoa kepada Allah di rumah-Nya buat ajin.

Sayang akak, semoga Allah pelihara awak sentiasa dan menyatukan kita semula, ya. <3

5/11/2022 0151

Ajinot sayang, dah dekat sebulan ya. Akak rindu ajinot. Kalau ajinot masih ada, pasti ajinot paling gembira tengok akak balik. Terus meluru lompat atas riba akak untuk tumpang tidur macam masa akak mula mula balik gmi dulu. Tengah makan kat meja makan, tiba tiba ajinot datang naik riba untuk tidur.

Mak kata kalau ajinot balik, mak akan bawa ajinot melawat akak kat asrama. Ajinot baliklah cepat cepat, ya. Nanti boleh bawa jalan jalan kat tempat baru akak. <3

14/11/2022

Ajinot sayang,

Beberapa hari lepas akak mimpi ajinot. Ajinot dah datang balik dan seronok jalan jalan atas katil dengan badan agak comot.

Akak bawa kiki tidur dengan akak beberapa kali sejak ajinot tak ada. Anxiety akak sejak ajinot hilang, bertambah tambah. Akak tak boleh tidur. Tidur. Bangun setiap beberapa jam dengan dengan degup jantung sangat laju.

Akak balik rumah daripada kolej, tengok katil, dan menangis kembali bila ingat yang ajinot tak teman lagi akak tidur.

Kehilangan haiwan, yang tersayang, semua ini adalah ujian Tuhan untuk mengangkat darjat. Tapi tipulah kalau akak tak tertanya bila semua ni akan berakhir?

Dua hari lepas, genap sebulan ajinot hilang. Tarikh ajinot hilang, setahun lepas butter hilang. Setiap kali berdoa atau merintih, akak akan sebut Yang Maha Mendengar supaya akak tak lupa bahawa Allah Maha Mendengar lalu akak tak perlu risau andai merintih ini suatu hal sia sia.

AAjinot sayang, semoga Allah sentiasa melindungi ajinot.

Teruskan BacaanTribute ajinot

To My Pretty Ajinot.

 To My Pretty Ajinot, 

wherever you are, I hope you are always under Allah's protection. Akak minta maaf akak tak ambil terus ajin masuk rumah malam ajin dah balik haritu. Tak ada penyesalan lagi besar dalam hidup akak. Semoga ajin jumpa orang baik baik yang boleh jaga ajin dengan baik, yang tak kurung ajin sebab ajin tak suka sangkar, dan bagi ajin tidur sama sama sebab ajin manja suka tidur atas tangan orang.

Seminggu sebelum tu ajin merajuk dengan akak sebab kurung ajin dalam sangkar 2 jam lepas cakar mata akak masa solat. Akak minta maaf sangat buat buat tak denagr ajin menangis dalam sangkar. Hari hari kemudian, untuk pertama kalinya Ajin tak mahu tidur atas katil kat atas tangan akak. Ajin tidur atas almari, bawah katil, hujung katil, tapi tak mari pun kat akak bila akak tepuk duduk sebelah akak.

Siapa sangka petangtu kali terakhir ajin dapat tidur atas katil akak, kan? Petang tu, Ajin pergi makan rumput. Malam tu, ajin balik. Akak nampak. Akak excited awak dah balik. Tapi akak panggil, awak tak sahut. Akak ingat nanti awak datang lagi sekejap lepas sambung makan rumput. Tapi, tak. Akak dengar awak panjat bumbung, senyum sajalah akak sebab dengar awak memanjat. Haha.

Dua jam berlalu, tiba waktu tidur, akak panggil ajin lagi. Tapi akak tak dnegar sahutan. Akak dah rasa tak sedap hati. Dan ini, waktu tercatatnya dalam sejarah kekesalan paling besar dalam hidup akak. Akak rasa bersalah. Kalaulah, Kalau lah... Macam orang tak ada iman.

Semalam cukup 5 hari awak hilang. Akak dapat email tawaran ke Saudi untuk peringkat akhir. Tapi akak sedih sangat awak hilang sampai tak boleh fokus dengan hidup. Ini petanda daripada Tuhankah untuk tak terlalu sayangi dunia? Supaya pengorbanan lebih mudah dilakukan?

Akak tengah belajar reda dan tawakal kepada Allah sungguh sungguh. Doakan akak menang ujian ni, ya? Akak tak tahu apa ganjarannya nanti. Tapi akak harap sangat supaya ganjarannya ialah bersatu dengan ajin semula. 

Terima kasih sayangi akak juga, Ajin. Terima kasih ada dengan akak dalam malam-malam sunyi yang dihuni tangis akak sahaja. Terima kasih, ajin, untuk selalu ada dengan akak. Ajin ialah kucing paling cerdik akak pernah ada, paling manja, paling setia. Akak berdoa semoga Ajin sentiasa dilindungi Allah daripada segala marabahaya dan semoga ditunjukkan jalan untuk kembali dalam keadaan selamat dan sihat.

Sayang Ajinot, semoga awak dapat pulang ke rumah ini dengan selamat atas izin Allah, ya.

Sayang Ajin sentiasa <3

Teruskan BacaanTo My Pretty Ajinot.